Adventures in China

For a long time, I've wondered about the meaning of the word "friend." I never been able to answer questions such as, if I have a more meaningful conversation with someone in a bar or online than with someone I've been known for a while, who is the friend? Does it have something to do with consistency? Is it some sort of proof that one of those people would make an effort for me in a bad situation?

I'm not sure that my time in China made the issue any clearer or easier to think about. In some ways, I greatly appreciate the intimate friendships I can develop in America. In other ways, I'm aware that my expectations may be too high. If nothing else, my expectations are often poorly defined. "Friend" is a word that probably means something different to each person. Some dictionaries define it as "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts," but I feel like I expect a little more than that. And I'm not convinced it is fair of me to expect more than that except that I would be willing to give more than that.

When I was in China, I didn't feel like I developed any intimate friendships. Of course, it was hard to leave my very close friends from undergrad and try to make friends from another culture within a year. However, I did spend hours of every day working in the same office with many of the same people. For as much time as I spent talking with my coworkers who were very interested in Western culture, I didn't feel like any of them had any interest in my personal life. I had an intuitive sense that talking about my real life would stun and sometimes scare my coworkers, so I rarely spoke about myself on a personal level.

I did not feel like my coworkers were trying to understand me on a personal level, so I never felt like I had opened myself to them. However, many of them felt they had opened up to me considerably. This was because they hadn't ever shared their thoughts with someone outside of their family. The things they shared were things that I considered to be almost trivial social knowledge like "Sometime I fight with my parents" or "I don't really like my job." These are things that I would feel comfortable sharing with a stranger on a bus.

However, my coworkers had never had a person they felt comfortable telling these details to. I was outside the Chinese system but also similar enough (in age and gender) to these women that they were comfortable talking to me about what they perceived to be very intimate issues. It made me really sad to realize that these women never had an opportunity to talk about their family problems or career aspirations with another person. I kept hearing recurring themes from person to person, but I could never convince anyone to talk to the other people around them because they assumed no one else would understand them.

I'd glad I was able to be there so the women had someone to talk to, even if it was just for a short time in their lives. I hope I was able to encourage the idea that meaningful friendships were possible outside their families. While it was hard to be stranded in another country without much emotional support, upon return, I value my Western friends much more than I used to.

Thanks, all.