Adventures in China

I went to China for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons was to "mature" as a person. I wanted to be more comfortable with myself and feel like I could tackle anything. I wanted to be able to say "[whatever] is not worth worrying about, I survived a year in China." I also wanted to feel like I could survive on my own.

Unfortunately, it is very hard to predict how an experience with shape you as a person, especially when you don't really know what the experience is going to be like. Going to China did change me in a number of ways, but it is hard to pin all of them down. It is also hard to pin down the causes of those changes since I also graduated from college, my interactions with my friends changed, and I was working with kids.

People who choose to go abroad should expect the experience to change them. The vast majority see those changes as positive. I had a number of positive changes. I feel like I truly appreciate many of the things I didn't appreciate before my experience. I am also more confident of my abilities to memorize information and to convey complex ideas using very small words and hand gestures. However, not all changes were positive.

Because I had hoped for specific changes, I was disappointed when I came back to the states. I didn't see the exact changes I had wanted and I had changed in ways that I didn't like very much. Rather than feeling secure in my ability of overcome problems, I felt like I'd become lazy. After my Chinese experience, I didn't worry about possible problems because I knew I will find a way around them one way or another. I also expect less from others, the world, and myself, so I don't get as frustrated or tired. Unfortunately, having lowered expectations and a general acceptance of alternate solutions can often lead to apathy and feeling out of control of my environment. I am, admittedly, less stressed that before my China experience, but it wasn't how I wanted that change to occur; I don't like feeling lazy or apathetic.

Fortunately, most changes humans go through are not permanent. In America, I have the ability to change my attitude and my environment. I also have the luxury of being aware of the changes that happened to me and I have a good idea of who I want to be. I'm becoming more active and involved, again, but I'm also avoiding feeling overwhelmed.

In all, I'm very glad I went to China and I feel like I've learned a lot about myself. The person who came back from China was both better and worse than the person who left, but the person I am a year after I came back is improving every day. If I could go back and change one thing, I would give the person who went to China an awareness of the good parts of her personality and let her like them, so she could protect them a little better when they started to change.