New Planner

Tomorrow is the first official day of my new planner. I've moved everything over from the old one and thrown it out. It feels clean and organized and nice. Turing hasn't torn out any pages. There aren't tons of scheduled appointments and then crossed out appointments. There are cryptic notes to myself in the back about presents to buy for people that I no longer understand.

I defended my dissertation on Friday. It went about as I expected - very congenial and I got a lot of good feedback. Unfortunately, I didn't get much feedback in the months leading up to the defense, so I now have a ton of revision to try and plow through before baby appears (wouldn't that be nice, to just have the baby appear). But I don't have to do any further analyses - just a very large set of revisions to my document. I have all the signatures except my advisor's who will sign off when he thinks I've adequately addressed all their concerns. Go.

For as crazy as it sounds, I think I'd rather plow through to finishing, even if baby comes before I'm done. If baby comes tomorrow, I doubt I could finish before real sleep deprivation sets in. But if he waits another few weeks and I'm 2/3 done, I'd rather eek out 3 hours a day over the first weeks of his life than wait for real sleep deprivation to set in, wait to get functional again, and then try to remember what I was going to do for revisions. It all seems fairly clear at the moment. Go.

My advisor threw a party after the defense. It wasn't just for me, but for a lot of different reasons with people from the big grant we've been working on. It was really nice to hang out for a few hours, though talking with people all day wore me out and I fell asleep immediately after we got home. The catered food was absolutely amazing and we took Turing on his first boat ride. Somehow, the lake seemed bigger to me once we were on it. Turing loved it - especially when it started to go fast and the wind blew his hair and we'd bump over the waves. We're bad parents and failed to get any pictures, but he is still talking about it so maybe we'll try to sucker our way onto someone else's boat sometime soon.

Reason

Some of my friends have complained about our HMO, but I really appreciate it. They have never balked at referring me around to various specialists when they could have thought it was a bit excessive, our practitioner is generally available, and she uses email. Being in a healthy, well-educated city probably means they have tons of money to throw at their enrollees - I get 8 half-priced massages each year at their alternative wellness center, which is pretty astounding. I guess my main complaint is their masseuses are overbooked and it can take weeks to get in to see them. Boo-hoo.

My prenatal care has now been completely referred out of their normal system - a fancy OB/Gyn for me and an extra fancy Perinatologist for baby. I need to get two non-stress tests done per week on top of my other visits (and should baby so much as look at them funny, I'll be induced) and it is more convenient for me to go to the extra fancy doctor than the fancy doctor. But, since these things are based on referral and I need to go get two tests per week, I figured I needed to ask if it was OK to get them done at the extra fancy doctor because I presume she is more expensive. They didn't even blink. I mean, it isn't like I'm fighting for some cutting edge cancer treatment, but it was nice to have my convenience be reason enough to do it the way I wanted.

Favoritism

Turing has been super fun recently. He gets really excited about stuff (finding the trash can at the store when you ask him to throw something away, throwing rocks in the lake) and tenses his whole body while saying "oooooh!" and pointing, eyes wide. He has gone through a language explosion - he has the first syllable of lots of words he uses often (juice, milk, water, rock, ball, swing, bowl, duck) and has started using some two syllable words as well (bubble, car seat, car ride, seat belt, arlo, kitty, baby). He'll also mimic all sorts of words if you ask him to (banana, chicago, pizza, purple, yellow, thank you). He loves to help by throwing things away, putting his cloths away, finding things, reminding me to get my keys before we leave the house. He can be very serious and skeptical - he scowls a lot when he is trying to figure something out - but he also laughs at funny faces and will ask for "mo" tickling.

In the last few weeks, I've become Turing's favorite. There are some benefits, since he can get giddy when I'm around, but in general it has been really hard on me. It is hard because I can't get anything done in the house, like cook, even if Trouble is around. It is hard because he clings and wants me to hold him a lot and I've reached the point where my back is just achy from being this pregnant. It is hard because we went on vacation and he got tons of access to both parents all the time for an entire week.

It is hard because he gets sad when I leave. I can finesse my way out of the house, usually, by saying we'll do something, then I'll leave, so he has time to prepare. But this takes time. And then he waves sadly at me from the window while I get in the car (also, blows kisses!). It is hard because, anytime now, there is going to be another baby competing for my attention and even when I'm with Turing, and he just isn't going to get the attention he's already craving. Even if I leave the baby with someone else to spend time with Turing, I'm going to be bleeding, healing, lactating, sleep deprived . . . tired. It is hard because I'm worried that I'm taking something away from Turing by having another child. And, honestly, it would be easier if he was more attached to Trouble or someone else so that he can be with that person while I am with baby.

Intellectually, I know this is just a phase and he may change his preferences tomorrow. I know we will find ways to be together as a family and he and I will find ways to be alone together. I know that change isn't necessarily bad and he may very well love being a big brother (lots of tasks to help mommy with, for one) and love the attention from his little brother. But these last few weeks are bittersweet - I love our little family just how it is and it is hard to love our family the way it will be when we're not quite sure how things will change.

Oh, summer

Being an adaptable creature, I manage to only fixate on the most recent dietary restriction. A few months ago, I was really craving a beer. Or a glass of wine. Just one, on the porch or out for dinner. But I think this was mostly just craving for something I can't have - I used to be exceptionally jealous of the college kids who live across the street from the playground. I used to be out there with Turing in the afternoon and they'd come back from playing tennis, sit on their crappy college porch furniture, and do nothing except drink a beer, smoke a cigarette, and chat with each other. I was definitely desiring what I couldn't have more than what I really wanted: a drink, a cigarette (right), and a lazy afternoon.

Now that I can't have any caffiene, including chocolate or decaf coffee, I've fixated on iced coffee. What is summer without iced coffee? Sad and full of desire. We are a family of coffee drinkers - even Turing likes coffee, as sweet and creamy as we tend to make it. People are always astounded that he likes coffee at such a young age, but they are probably also giving us strange looks because they don't realize we're giving our toddler decaf. We aren't dumb enough to give him caffienated coffee. Turing gets really excited when Trouble brings some coffee home and he gets to drink it out of the cup. I just get to smell it. Life is hard.

At first, I told myself that baby's heart arrhythmia would probably resolve itself in a few weeks and I'd wait a few more weeks just to be safe and then I could go back to having decaf coffee again. Now, I've come to the conclusion that this is probably not going to be resolved anytime soon. And if I'm not allowed to have chocolate, I doubt the doctor will OK having decaf while breast feeding if this is still going on. That means I'll miss an entire season of iced coffee. Life is extra hard.

I must say that all this is easier than trying to eat a vegetarian diabetic diet. But it is so easy to fixate on what I miss when it is just a few things . . .

Race!

It turns out there is a perfectly good reason why it suddenly became difficult to reach my shoes and my back keeps yelling at me - despite being 33 weeks pregnant, my fundal height is about 38cm (it should be same as the number of week +/- 3). No wonder everyone keeps being surprised that my due date is at the end of August.

At my visit with my doctor yesterday, she essentially told me to have my bag packed for the hospital and be ready at any time. My uterus can only stretch so far and at some point it is going to decide it is done. And that may be really soon. Really soon. I'm having noticeable Braxton Hicks contractions as well, which may mean a whole lot of nothing, but may mean my uterus really is getting tired of all this.

I've decided to be somewhat superstitious about it - this weekend, I'm going to wash all the baby cloths and pack the hospital bag and install the carseat and get the diapers ready. I've also agreed to go to the far away clinic - I'm supposed to transition my care to a proper Ob/Gyn because I am now high risk, but the convenient person can't see me for another two weeks. Instead, I'll drive all the way across town (twice a week from here on out) so I can transition my care sooner. If we are ready and I make all these inconvenient doctor appointments, baby must decide to wait for at least another month, right?

Unfortunately, I can't get my defense done faster, which is the real inconvenience if baby decides to come early. I won't have everyone in the same room for two more weeks. And a large number of other things which presume I'm going to graduate right quick have started to get set - a post-defense party date has been set by my adviser, a postdoctoral position start date has been set by the project manager, which means the last day to submit my document has been set (Aug 14, which is wickedly soon, ack). All this presumption that I am going to be finished still seems premature to me, but has to be made if I'm going to actually pull all this together.

And, so, I will try to pull it all together as fast as possible. I'm already getting some comments back from one committee member, so I will try to get those incorporated before the defense. Another committee member has also promised them "soon". I think I will put together my defense talk first thing next week, too.

Forward!

hey! vacation!

I left my document in various mailboxes. We went on vacation.

It was an actual proper vacation in which I only did the 3 little work things I absolutely had to do. I barely checked email. I responded to even less email. I took a poetry class (poor atrophied section of brain). Mom cooked dinners. Turing loved getting to go play with Nana and Grandpa, primarily by throwing rocks into the lake. It was like an actual vacation.

We rode the train to vacation and drove back in a PT Cruiser, which makes me a Woman of a Certain Age, I guess. But we're going to need two cars soon enough and having a wagon in which to haul two kids around seems like a really good idea. And for as much as I hate to admit it, having two cars has made this week substantially easier - I run errands while Trouble is at work, we don't need to schedule drop-offs and pick-ups and all that business. Easy. I hope our lifestyle switches back around to only using one car soon, though. (like, in 3 years)

The train worked out really well, despite some hassle getting settled into a very tiny space. I remember the west coast sleeper cars being a little roomier (and not having a toilet in the room), but I also wasn't pregnant when I rode them, so I may not know what I'm talking about. It was substantially easier to sleep on the train with Turing than it was to drive home for 12 hours in a car. I would definitely consider it again, but in a bigger room with two kids.

Since we were hauling all the stuff necessary to take a kid somewhere, we really didn't take very many toys. I giant stack of books, but only a couple balls, a wagon to pull, a bucket, a shovel. Turing did amazingly well for an entire week with just those things. He is all about rocks at the moment. Rocks and gravel. Maybe we should purge some of his other toys.

We returned this past weekend and this week has been lovely. I am not nearly as stressed, I am not irritable, I am rested. Even if I wake up at 4 in the morning and lay there for an hour or two (what is up with that? Pregnancy is weird), I am not angry at myself for being so damn inefficient. I am nearly done with my spring syllabus (for one class) including the reading list, which means I can formally propose it to the department before baby decides to make his appearance, which is really nice. If I have time after my dissertation is really done, then I'll spend some time reworking class #2. It has been really nice to work without pressure. Highly recommended.

I'm even relaxed enough to not get really upset over needing to have twice weekly fetal non-stress tests. Allow me to assure you that I'm annoyed - why do they think I have enough time to go to the doctor 4 times a week? Always on different days and in different locations? But, let's be honest, baby comes first. I went and bought myself some yarn for a knitting project this afternoon (how decadent, using some work time for play) and I'm hoping that I can knit during the non-stress tests.