sigh . . .

Today, I sent off the email about returning to medical school in the summer. Keeping people informed early and often is a train I want to be on, since we returning MD/PhD students then have more control over which rotations we get (as opposed to zero control when you show up late and everything is full).

I am dreading it a bit.

I think I will really love medicine, and I am not dreading being clueless or at the bottom of the heap or any of that - I'm a big girl now and can handle it. I am dreading the hours and lack of control over my hours. My babies will still be babies and we're going to miss each other.

Right after Huxley was born and the hormones were surging and I was falling in love all over again, I really thought I wanted to try to extend my "break" another year as if leaving a two-year-old would be easier than leaving a one-year-old. Since then I've realized that it is going to be hard no matter what or when. I have some vague idea that it might be easier once the kids are in school and rather than missing their entire day I'm "only" missing after-school time - and that by then they'll have other friends and interests.

It would be nice to be able to do my training order independently of time. For instance, if I could just be the clinican/researcher starting next year with a semi-flexible schedule through their preschool years, but then complete my training that I need to do that when the kids to off to college or something . . .

No such luck.

I have resigned myself to knowing that I will return to clinical rotations in eight months. I sent the email today.

Can I just get the option to see my kids for a few hours each day? No such luck. How much will I have to leave before they get up and come home after they go to bed? Too much.